Hey. Yeah, addicted. Yes, better, thanks. No, it'll take time to be normal. Yeah, loving college. Yeah, we meet pretty often.
Hello to my new world. As Hormazd very cleanly puts it, I've lost my 'asking-out' virginity. I've come to realize how much I obsess about something, which isn't all that trivial either. But still, how much am I gonna gloat in self-pity and the thought that I'm never gonna move on? Hell, I will.
I can't not think about it, you know; five years isn't all that easy a while to forget, specially if they cover all your teenage. So here I am, trying hard to not talk about it, and as i read what I have written till yet, it's all about it. Filthy hypocrite. For some reason, I always think 'hypocrite' must've been a Greek philosopher. Like Socrates. Aaaargh, retard.
Life currently revolves around my bedroom, the FYBMM classroom, the SYBMM classroom on the 4th floor, the canteen, and the 339. One bus I don't think I'll be spending a day without for a very long time now.
Anyway, so I'm on the dramatics troupe for my college (nautanki saali), and my attendance is gonna be taken care off. My seniors are the most awesome people I've met- they breathe their college-life. Super-high energy levels. My classmates are superb too. Starting with a hyperactive CR Hyper, who wants to do everything! His co-CR Leakage, who's more laidback and cautious. Then there's the chick gang who's totally girly giggly of sorts- Chiquitita who's totally cute, Fake always running around and all chatty, K-fan who's a boy trapped in a girl! Giggle-talent box, Namesake who's a total social worker of sorts!...And heck loadsa people.
Then the ladka log- Bossy, who's acting skills are killing cool..mimicry and all! Jerry who is subtly the funniest fellow I've met. Issmile who just smiles at everything! Zebra who's random hardly decipherable talk is the most creative I've learnt. Here's a sample: He was asked to abuse MumbaiMirror, he says "You'll get pupped by a chimpanzee!".
And to understand what Zebra says, there's the totally indispensable MumbaiMirror. He's (MumbaiMirror here) a part of the I'm-a-guy-I-don't-need-Harry-Potter brigade.
My opinions may change over the next few months, but let's keep them this way for the sake of recording how I am about my college people 2 weeks into the beginning of a brand new life.
But moving on, like I said, isn't all that easy, specially when you live within 20metres of each other, SMS each other stupid forwards every night, and bump into each other everyday in the canteen. The other day I was sitting totally peacefully with my friends, when suddenly the table next to us suddenly screams his name, I jump 2 feet into the air, and no one notices. He's entered, and sits across his girlfriend. He knows I'm there, and he seems a little awkward to me. She puts out her hand between his hands, and trust me, if I ever wanted to kill anyone for touching anyone else, I'd have dome it. I impulsively looked away, but I got this awkward feeling he did not hold her hand. My own jealousy makes me sick. She kept talking in animated gestures, and he kept laughing, and I kept "staring" into space. If space meant my sambaar. Then I decided I should let him know I'm there. So I gave him a missed call. He looked up, he knew where I was sitting, and did one of those 'I'm-in-public-can't-wave-too-obviously' waves. I gave it right back at him, and then didn't look at him till he said 'Chal see you later' when I had to leave.
I don't know what I'm playing at. But hello, my life rocks. I'm making the best of my time. And if he's to be involved, so be it.
Stupid little update
"Tum Ho Gham Ko Chupaye
Main Hoon Sar Ko Jhukaye
Tum Bhi Chup Ho
Main Bho Chup Hoon
Kaun Kise Samjhaye
Ab Dooriyan Itni Hain To
Milna Yahan Kal Ho Naa Ho
Ab Dooriyan Itni Hain To
Milna Yahan Kal Ho Naa Ho
Tu Vekh Tai Lai Aj Raj Ke
Apne Sariyan Nu
Cheti Apne Nahi Mil De
Ja Banno Pave Khushiyan Te Dil Dariyan Tu
Pave Armaan Sab Dil De
Sach Hai Ke Dil To Dukha Hai
Hamne Magar Socha Hai
Dil Ko Hai Gham Kyon
Aankh Hai Nam Kyon
Hona Hi Tha Jo Hua Hai
Us Baat Ko Jaane Bhi Do
Jiska Nishaan Kal Ho Naa Ho
Har Pal Yahan Je Bhar Jiyo
Jo Hai Sama Kal Ho Naa Ho"
Okay, I admit. I do write super-mushy things. But this is more to give you an idea of what the situation was like 3 days after the calamity, when we were sub-normal. It was guilt-cum-hurt-cum-apology, for both of us. I wonder why, though. Nothing was technically our fault. Things happen. Deal with it. Life sucks sometimes, doesn't mean you stop living.
Mum wants me to scrape coconuts, gotta rush.
Main Hoon Sar Ko Jhukaye
Tum Bhi Chup Ho
Main Bho Chup Hoon
Kaun Kise Samjhaye
Ab Dooriyan Itni Hain To
Milna Yahan Kal Ho Naa Ho
Ab Dooriyan Itni Hain To
Milna Yahan Kal Ho Naa Ho
Tu Vekh Tai Lai Aj Raj Ke
Apne Sariyan Nu
Cheti Apne Nahi Mil De
Ja Banno Pave Khushiyan Te Dil Dariyan Tu
Pave Armaan Sab Dil De
Sach Hai Ke Dil To Dukha Hai
Hamne Magar Socha Hai
Dil Ko Hai Gham Kyon
Aankh Hai Nam Kyon
Hona Hi Tha Jo Hua Hai
Us Baat Ko Jaane Bhi Do
Jiska Nishaan Kal Ho Naa Ho
Har Pal Yahan Je Bhar Jiyo
Jo Hai Sama Kal Ho Naa Ho"
Okay, I admit. I do write super-mushy things. But this is more to give you an idea of what the situation was like 3 days after the calamity, when we were sub-normal. It was guilt-cum-hurt-cum-apology, for both of us. I wonder why, though. Nothing was technically our fault. Things happen. Deal with it. Life sucks sometimes, doesn't mean you stop living.
Mum wants me to scrape coconuts, gotta rush.
The thing that we had going
The hellos to all those who've been wondering where the nag's gone. She was finally busy attending college!! It feels so good to be back to the old routine of having something other than another day at home to look forward to after 3 months spent that way.
Anyway, as I write this, I'm not in such a great mood after all. Reason being only one totally uncomplicated one: Love-aria!
It doesn't matter confessing to it here, considering the guy concerned knows himself now, but I do wish everything were different right now. We're back to being friends and all laughing around and all, but there come these pangs of missing him. In every sense of the term. When I miss a person, I get very restless, and cranky. Here, I'm missing him being actually, physically present, talking rubbish, making me laugh with his queer wisecracks, having that pensive look for a fraction of a second. That's the usual stuff. Then I realised what else I missed about him.
It's very primitive, but I have a thing with smells, just the way I have a thing with numbers: I identify smells to places, incidents and people. They don't have to be a particular smell, like how can one describe a smell anyway? It's the ideas that come along, you relate stories and memories to smells. It's the feeling it gives you.
I wouldn't know what he smells of, but the scent reminds me of mangoes, and rain. And new notebooks, new shoes. It's a combination of all my favourite smells. It's a smell that reminds me of sitting late on the benches talking about people and schools. Carrom powder to an extent. It reminds me of knees touching, playing footsie when no one can notice, kicking each other and the expression on everyone else's face when where everything is normal and quiet, we suddenly start laughing because of something only both of us find funny.
He smells of a guy grown up, and ready to do what it takes to wipe the person he likes off her feet. The idea of which gives me butterflies the size of dinosaurs in my stomach.
And that's it. I wonder how long it will take me to get out of this, but I'll take my time anyway. Adios.
Anyway, as I write this, I'm not in such a great mood after all. Reason being only one totally uncomplicated one: Love-aria!
It doesn't matter confessing to it here, considering the guy concerned knows himself now, but I do wish everything were different right now. We're back to being friends and all laughing around and all, but there come these pangs of missing him. In every sense of the term. When I miss a person, I get very restless, and cranky. Here, I'm missing him being actually, physically present, talking rubbish, making me laugh with his queer wisecracks, having that pensive look for a fraction of a second. That's the usual stuff. Then I realised what else I missed about him.
It's very primitive, but I have a thing with smells, just the way I have a thing with numbers: I identify smells to places, incidents and people. They don't have to be a particular smell, like how can one describe a smell anyway? It's the ideas that come along, you relate stories and memories to smells. It's the feeling it gives you.
I wouldn't know what he smells of, but the scent reminds me of mangoes, and rain. And new notebooks, new shoes. It's a combination of all my favourite smells. It's a smell that reminds me of sitting late on the benches talking about people and schools. Carrom powder to an extent. It reminds me of knees touching, playing footsie when no one can notice, kicking each other and the expression on everyone else's face when where everything is normal and quiet, we suddenly start laughing because of something only both of us find funny.
He smells of a guy grown up, and ready to do what it takes to wipe the person he likes off her feet. The idea of which gives me butterflies the size of dinosaurs in my stomach.
And that's it. I wonder how long it will take me to get out of this, but I'll take my time anyway. Adios.
The four rolling months,
Third consecutive day of intensive blogging. Yeah I am addicted.
This is the last day of my summer vacation, and like everone so kindly reminds me time and again, the last day of the last and longest vacation for a very long time now. So here's a list of things I thought I'd land up doing and posted at the beginning of the summer.
A lot of things done and not, have a look at the original post here.
1. Fell left out and alone.: First thing that usually happens to me, and this time, it didn't! Thanks to Manasi, Shri, Deepa, Vivek, Clarence, Collin and Hormazd being around whenever I needed them, I've had the best vacation ever. We're officially a gang!
2. Get excited thanks to some holidaying hopes, and then get them crushed.: Something my mother excels at. I was promised a 4 day holiday at Mahabaleshwar, which (tadaa!) didn't happen, and here I am. Though the travelling was compensated by awesome outings in Mumbai, thanks to Manasi and the rest of the gang.
3. Fall in love (this can wait. this vacation, i've had a very nasty bout of that).:But you know me. It wasn't falling in love, it was falling hell lot deeper into love. Check this, and this and even this..and this, which will make minimum sense, but was written in the same mood. Heartbreaks happen; live with them or die.
4. Have some major fall-outs with friends: Not all that major, but I really didn't keep in sincere touch with the college lot. The rest have been woven into my daily life. The building lot, the classes lot, and by the end of the vacation, even the school lot. Of course one gang from school I totally have no clue about, but they don't matter anyway.
5. Get into trouble because of food (yepo, and no other specimen of my species shows this trait).: Yeah, did that too.It so happens that I've lost only 5 kilos in 4 months, and my mother is out with a butcher's knife to make me realise what trouble I'm asking for when I keep binging. Ooh I like the word 'binging', like Chandler 'Bing'ing. Okay, plain stupid.
6. Strengthen some bonds (friends,hair et cetera): Yeah, to risk being overtly repetitive, friends have just got a whole lot closer. But I won't say the same about my hair. I've had a bad hair fortnight, if something like that exists. Read this, for details.
7. Coax dad into buying me a new cellphone (but i'm happy with this one, may try iPod now): They rendered my cellphone useless. The battery won't charge. The earphones won't work. All because some idiotic panel went super-sensitive and decided to ditch me for a summer I so needed the music through. But trouble started sometime in later June, so not much of a loss. Though I do think the 'coaxing Dad' part's about to start.
8. Smile and blush. and blush myself silly. and still smile.: Happened alright, again, refer to the lovey-dovey entries, tired of providing hyperlinks to the same thing. Places I won't ever forget: Worli sea-face, Juhu, my bedroom (dude, there was a whole lot of us doing nothing immoral, if you must know!).
9. Fall sick...the 'flu thing.: yeah just once, but it was there. Making its mighty presence being felt for a total of 4 days. Yay. Seriously.
10. Learn nothing.: Naah, I learnt a huge number of songs, lessons in falling in love, some good dance, how to write articles- both of which you could read about here. I'm a grown-up girl now. And trust me, I still have a lot to learn.
I'm content. And happy. More content though. Dedicating the last lines to
1. The person without whom a summer like this was way down the impossible lane than ever, and thanks for everything, specially for saying things at the right time: "Time heals all wounds."
2. The one person who makes me argue with myself, and talk to myself, and wonder if I really am alright. It's been the most used line in the past 3 months. Here's to you, for saying things the way you say them: "It isn't you...it's me."
This is the last day of my summer vacation, and like everone so kindly reminds me time and again, the last day of the last and longest vacation for a very long time now. So here's a list of things I thought I'd land up doing and posted at the beginning of the summer.
A lot of things done and not, have a look at the original post here.
1. Fell left out and alone.: First thing that usually happens to me, and this time, it didn't! Thanks to Manasi, Shri, Deepa, Vivek, Clarence, Collin and Hormazd being around whenever I needed them, I've had the best vacation ever. We're officially a gang!
2. Get excited thanks to some holidaying hopes, and then get them crushed.: Something my mother excels at. I was promised a 4 day holiday at Mahabaleshwar, which (tadaa!) didn't happen, and here I am. Though the travelling was compensated by awesome outings in Mumbai, thanks to Manasi and the rest of the gang.
3. Fall in love (this can wait. this vacation, i've had a very nasty bout of that).:But you know me. It wasn't falling in love, it was falling hell lot deeper into love. Check this, and this and even this..and this, which will make minimum sense, but was written in the same mood. Heartbreaks happen; live with them or die.
4. Have some major fall-outs with friends: Not all that major, but I really didn't keep in sincere touch with the college lot. The rest have been woven into my daily life. The building lot, the classes lot, and by the end of the vacation, even the school lot. Of course one gang from school I totally have no clue about, but they don't matter anyway.
5. Get into trouble because of food (yepo, and no other specimen of my species shows this trait).: Yeah, did that too.It so happens that I've lost only 5 kilos in 4 months, and my mother is out with a butcher's knife to make me realise what trouble I'm asking for when I keep binging. Ooh I like the word 'binging', like Chandler 'Bing'ing. Okay, plain stupid.
6. Strengthen some bonds (friends,hair et cetera): Yeah, to risk being overtly repetitive, friends have just got a whole lot closer. But I won't say the same about my hair. I've had a bad hair fortnight, if something like that exists. Read this, for details.
7. Coax dad into buying me a new cellphone (but i'm happy with this one, may try iPod now): They rendered my cellphone useless. The battery won't charge. The earphones won't work. All because some idiotic panel went super-sensitive and decided to ditch me for a summer I so needed the music through. But trouble started sometime in later June, so not much of a loss. Though I do think the 'coaxing Dad' part's about to start.
8. Smile and blush. and blush myself silly. and still smile.: Happened alright, again, refer to the lovey-dovey entries, tired of providing hyperlinks to the same thing. Places I won't ever forget: Worli sea-face, Juhu, my bedroom (dude, there was a whole lot of us doing nothing immoral, if you must know!).
9. Fall sick...the 'flu thing.: yeah just once, but it was there. Making its mighty presence being felt for a total of 4 days. Yay. Seriously.
10. Learn nothing.: Naah, I learnt a huge number of songs, lessons in falling in love, some good dance, how to write articles- both of which you could read about here. I'm a grown-up girl now. And trust me, I still have a lot to learn.
I'm content. And happy. More content though. Dedicating the last lines to
1. The person without whom a summer like this was way down the impossible lane than ever, and thanks for everything, specially for saying things at the right time: "Time heals all wounds."
2. The one person who makes me argue with myself, and talk to myself, and wonder if I really am alright. It's been the most used line in the past 3 months. Here's to you, for saying things the way you say them: "It isn't you...it's me."
Psst!
This post is primarily to clear out a few misconceptions people have about me. Though I'm really sure no one who's supposed to read this is doing so, I'm still doing it. The 'Psst!' column, for the first time is a mix-up of people.
This won't make sense to all my fellow bloggers who have no clue what the last week had in store for me, and how I've sailed through it. A note for those who're still reading: Comment, please, on similar reasoning, and how yu'd like to justify yourself more often. Don't hesitate because you haven't been given the entire story.
Scribe's finally broken her own misconceptions about accepting and expressing her feelings. Not learnt the entire lesson, but the semester has commenced. Now, with the help of Dostini, Saxxxy and Lambodar, she's managing to keep her smile on.
Dostini finds Scribe's action gutsy, something she herself wouldn't have ever dared to do. Scribe begs to differ; what happened was an accident, though it was bound to happen on some later date. But the fact remains that Scribe's finally taken responsibility of her own actions, and this time, the consequences are something she least bothers about, with all her intentions really charted well.
Saxxxy finds it hilarious that Scribe should've done something like that. Apart from the teasing that she constantly subjects Scribe to, Saxxxy also makes sure she's always around for moral support. Scribe herself is pretty unmoved by her own actions, and the carelessness that was the reason. But if the support she received from Saxxxy were to waver, she'd have been a lot less confident.
Lambodar is the surprise element in this event. He's the shoulder Scribe chooses to rub off at as his opinion means the world to her. He however presumes that Scribe's embarassed because of what has happened. No, she isn't. She's just anxious about the outcome. She isn't confused either, Lambodar. She knows what she wants, and couldn't be more sure.
Perennial Smarty is something every psychiatrist should have a good look at. He defines confused. He's kept himself away from the scene, just when he's needed the most. Scribe gets a quintal of butterflies in her stomach when she thinks about even facing him. But since both sound pretty normal to each other, the scene's a cool one. Scribe's waiting for a reaction, though she knows what she's in for.
Dabba and Branded are out of the did-you-know-it circle, unhappily. They'd rather be oblivious than uninvolved, but life's not fair. So long as Scribe's not confident about letting them in on the secret, or not, they're staying far, far away from the scenario.
Moral of the story: everyone's in on the big secret, though not everyone's sure what it is!!
This won't make sense to all my fellow bloggers who have no clue what the last week had in store for me, and how I've sailed through it. A note for those who're still reading: Comment, please, on similar reasoning, and how yu'd like to justify yourself more often. Don't hesitate because you haven't been given the entire story.
Scribe's finally broken her own misconceptions about accepting and expressing her feelings. Not learnt the entire lesson, but the semester has commenced. Now, with the help of Dostini, Saxxxy and Lambodar, she's managing to keep her smile on.
Dostini finds Scribe's action gutsy, something she herself wouldn't have ever dared to do. Scribe begs to differ; what happened was an accident, though it was bound to happen on some later date. But the fact remains that Scribe's finally taken responsibility of her own actions, and this time, the consequences are something she least bothers about, with all her intentions really charted well.
Saxxxy finds it hilarious that Scribe should've done something like that. Apart from the teasing that she constantly subjects Scribe to, Saxxxy also makes sure she's always around for moral support. Scribe herself is pretty unmoved by her own actions, and the carelessness that was the reason. But if the support she received from Saxxxy were to waver, she'd have been a lot less confident.
Lambodar is the surprise element in this event. He's the shoulder Scribe chooses to rub off at as his opinion means the world to her. He however presumes that Scribe's embarassed because of what has happened. No, she isn't. She's just anxious about the outcome. She isn't confused either, Lambodar. She knows what she wants, and couldn't be more sure.
Perennial Smarty is something every psychiatrist should have a good look at. He defines confused. He's kept himself away from the scene, just when he's needed the most. Scribe gets a quintal of butterflies in her stomach when she thinks about even facing him. But since both sound pretty normal to each other, the scene's a cool one. Scribe's waiting for a reaction, though she knows what she's in for.
Dabba and Branded are out of the did-you-know-it circle, unhappily. They'd rather be oblivious than uninvolved, but life's not fair. So long as Scribe's not confident about letting them in on the secret, or not, they're staying far, far away from the scenario.
Moral of the story: everyone's in on the big secret, though not everyone's sure what it is!!
Little somethings
It's been a very eventful week. The outcome hasn't been to clear, but all the same, the determination, or rather the obstinacy to stay all smiling has pulled me through. Adrenaline rushes rule the roost, while it's getting tougher to hold back emotions. Okay, getting to the point, here's something I came up with.
There's a little something
I should've said a while ago
But a little part of me
Still doesn't want you to know
About the butterflies I get
When you're here
How you fog up my head
When you're here
And I can't blame you for taking me away
From where I am when you're here
I try to catch your eye and let myself go
I try to be by your side without letting you know
And when you nudge me outta my dream about you
I see you smiling in my reality too
Don't wake me now
Don't let the dream disappear
The dream that I dream
When you're here
The times we pretend we'd do without the other
Ones when we pretend we couldn't be bothered
The blood ion my cheeks that lights up my eyes
The fire in your heart that turns mine into ice
Let's pretend we're alone
Let's pretend things aren't still clear
But deep down I know you can still hear
Those little things my heart says when you're here.
There's a little something
I should've said a while ago
But a little part of me
Still doesn't want you to know
About the butterflies I get
When you're here
How you fog up my head
When you're here
And I can't blame you for taking me away
From where I am when you're here
I try to catch your eye and let myself go
I try to be by your side without letting you know
And when you nudge me outta my dream about you
I see you smiling in my reality too
Don't wake me now
Don't let the dream disappear
The dream that I dream
When you're here
The times we pretend we'd do without the other
Ones when we pretend we couldn't be bothered
The blood ion my cheeks that lights up my eyes
The fire in your heart that turns mine into ice
Let's pretend we're alone
Let's pretend things aren't still clear
But deep down I know you can still hear
Those little things my heart says when you're here.
Crashing
It's official: forbidden timings are the ones where I'm most creative. I didn't have any mad urge to write since 10pm. Dude, here's something I really wanted to talk about, and taking full advantage of the fact that the person it concerns isn't a reader in any way (no, literate, but not interested in reading), I'm using this page liberally as my diary, which, under saner and less dozed conditions I wouldn't have.
So, the reason "Hell's painted itself pink" (to quote Nutee), is that I am somewhere in like-going-to-love stage. It's the guy who
Aug '03:I didn't want to fall for
Mar '04:fell for
Dec '05:fell out of
Jun '06:hated
Jan '07:scorned
Jul '07:pitied
Dec '07:considered (like what the hell is that, anyway?)
Jan '08:tried to ignore
Feb '08:didn't want to fall for
Mar '08:(tadaa!) fell for.
That's how tightly he was packed into my schedule. Like there are these characters you so know your life would be better without. But nay, you just want the pain to start, the wound to burn. Like Dettol down those knee bruises, geddit?
To quote a few lines from a song long forgotten by public memory, but thoroughly etched in my mind as something that vividly describes how I usually feel:
"Abhi Koi Dil Main Jashn Hua Hain
Abhi Koi Taza Zakhm Mila Hain
Abhi Khamoshi Bhi Khamosh Si Hain
Ke Koi Mujhko Soch Raha Hain"
I am a happy girl, all the time, I can't go frowning all day long. Yeah life has its share of awful days, but I'm the type, if there is a type, who doesn't really care. It's the smile on my own face that keeps me insanely happy. It's the maddening will to laugh at myself. I am a happy girl, because I know that happy lies only where you can see it. No one other than yourself can keep you happy.
But there are these times, like once a month, when I take things to heart. When I want to differ from the 'I'm-always-thinking-and-measured-and-calm' sorts, who has her arrogant obstinacy numero uno on priorities. Like, I think with my heart. I want to be Like theother girls around me, the painful, crazy want of attention, and maybe, even love.
Here's yet another secret. I'm scared of that word 'love', like, shit scared of using it. I don't think anyone will ever fall in love, at least now. At least with me. Stupid, childish complex, I know. But it's there, nothing doing. My close friends who know what's in my head try to get me speak the word; but I can't. It's not love, I know it. May be that I'm not giving my feelings the respect they deserve, the credit for maturity they have gained. May be that I still think I'm frivolous. And fickle. The part where you are ready to give up anything for someone else, and not ask something in return comes to me all too easily since a long time now. When I say I choose my friends, I mean it. Not a single betrayal, any sign of distrust, or any cracks. I don't even give the person an opportunity to do that. So if at all I'm not friends with anyone anymore, it's because we've just fizzed out. I choose my friends so that I know what I have asked for. So 'sacrifice', as so many like to put it, is no problem.
This guy happened on such a day. I allowed him a crack; he dug a tunnel. Given a choice, I'd have kept my distance those days, and not given on the vibe that it may be time to start being friends now. Which we never were. So here I'm faced with a sample where I feel like the one being controlled, and the other one is that arrogant brat who, as my closest friend puts it, "is just unapologetic about what he is. A case of confident take me as I am or leave me". What bewildered me all this while, is what makes him that way. The kind who can hold your gaze for just long enough till it's about to reach the friend's warm timeline, and lets go before that moment. Why he still can't qualify as my friend. What makes him any different from the other guys I have liked.
The thing is, I know what's lined up for me next. I can feel it. It's heartbreak. Cold and terrible. It's the kinda pain you can't describe. If you knew me anywhere personally, I hate not having a reason for something. Headaches, Maths solutions, weather forecasts, mythology. I need a reason to stop the questions in the brain. So when hurt comes, it's not just what they call heart, the pain is in the pit of the stomach for starters, but after that it's in every corpuscle, every cell. It doesn't spare you anything. It's just something that doesn't have a sound reason.
A little bit of reasoning could've prevented the situation totally. Had I not tried to close my brains that day and allow the stupid cardio-maniac to work out things for me, I'd have been less preoccupied, more attentive, less moody, more involved.
I keep saying stupid things these days, he thinks I'm drunk all the while. Giggling goes on for hours, little spurts of irrelevant and unnecessary giggles don't stop. I don't know if it's just me, but we're closer now. Physically? Perhaps. Emotionally? I am.
There are two very basic issues I have with falling for this fellow.
1. He's never going to fall for me, which is kinda a non-issue, as I really don't expect anyone to. It's their life, what I feel for them is pretty much the last of their worries. Poeple don't have to like those who feel different for them. Moreover, I'm tending to ugly to look at, and there's hardly much beyond that guys consider. At least the kinda guy he shows up to be.
2. The last time hurt. It was 3 heartbreaks spaced out in a year, like, major ones, and now that I already know he likes someone else, it's only gonna hurt more if I put myself deeper into this. I didn't even consider looking at anyone else the last time. I suppose I must've changed over the years, but I really don't want to take chances. I'm not that consciously insane.
Oh and by the way, here's a link to a very relative poem (thanks there, you made feel a lot better).
Till tomorrow then. This is gonna be a long teenage.
So, the reason "Hell's painted itself pink" (to quote Nutee), is that I am somewhere in like-going-to-love stage. It's the guy who
Aug '03:I didn't want to fall for
Mar '04:fell for
Dec '05:fell out of
Jun '06:hated
Jan '07:scorned
Jul '07:pitied
Dec '07:considered (like what the hell is that, anyway?)
Jan '08:tried to ignore
Feb '08:didn't want to fall for
Mar '08:(tadaa!) fell for.
That's how tightly he was packed into my schedule. Like there are these characters you so know your life would be better without. But nay, you just want the pain to start, the wound to burn. Like Dettol down those knee bruises, geddit?
To quote a few lines from a song long forgotten by public memory, but thoroughly etched in my mind as something that vividly describes how I usually feel:
"Abhi Koi Dil Main Jashn Hua Hain
Abhi Koi Taza Zakhm Mila Hain
Abhi Khamoshi Bhi Khamosh Si Hain
Ke Koi Mujhko Soch Raha Hain"
I am a happy girl, all the time, I can't go frowning all day long. Yeah life has its share of awful days, but I'm the type, if there is a type, who doesn't really care. It's the smile on my own face that keeps me insanely happy. It's the maddening will to laugh at myself. I am a happy girl, because I know that happy lies only where you can see it. No one other than yourself can keep you happy.
But there are these times, like once a month, when I take things to heart. When I want to differ from the 'I'm-always-thinking-and-measured-and-calm' sorts, who has her arrogant obstinacy numero uno on priorities. Like, I think with my heart. I want to be Like theother girls around me, the painful, crazy want of attention, and maybe, even love.
Here's yet another secret. I'm scared of that word 'love', like, shit scared of using it. I don't think anyone will ever fall in love, at least now. At least with me. Stupid, childish complex, I know. But it's there, nothing doing. My close friends who know what's in my head try to get me speak the word; but I can't. It's not love, I know it. May be that I'm not giving my feelings the respect they deserve, the credit for maturity they have gained. May be that I still think I'm frivolous. And fickle. The part where you are ready to give up anything for someone else, and not ask something in return comes to me all too easily since a long time now. When I say I choose my friends, I mean it. Not a single betrayal, any sign of distrust, or any cracks. I don't even give the person an opportunity to do that. So if at all I'm not friends with anyone anymore, it's because we've just fizzed out. I choose my friends so that I know what I have asked for. So 'sacrifice', as so many like to put it, is no problem.
This guy happened on such a day. I allowed him a crack; he dug a tunnel. Given a choice, I'd have kept my distance those days, and not given on the vibe that it may be time to start being friends now. Which we never were. So here I'm faced with a sample where I feel like the one being controlled, and the other one is that arrogant brat who, as my closest friend puts it, "is just unapologetic about what he is. A case of confident take me as I am or leave me". What bewildered me all this while, is what makes him that way. The kind who can hold your gaze for just long enough till it's about to reach the friend's warm timeline, and lets go before that moment. Why he still can't qualify as my friend. What makes him any different from the other guys I have liked.
The thing is, I know what's lined up for me next. I can feel it. It's heartbreak. Cold and terrible. It's the kinda pain you can't describe. If you knew me anywhere personally, I hate not having a reason for something. Headaches, Maths solutions, weather forecasts, mythology. I need a reason to stop the questions in the brain. So when hurt comes, it's not just what they call heart, the pain is in the pit of the stomach for starters, but after that it's in every corpuscle, every cell. It doesn't spare you anything. It's just something that doesn't have a sound reason.
A little bit of reasoning could've prevented the situation totally. Had I not tried to close my brains that day and allow the stupid cardio-maniac to work out things for me, I'd have been less preoccupied, more attentive, less moody, more involved.
I keep saying stupid things these days, he thinks I'm drunk all the while. Giggling goes on for hours, little spurts of irrelevant and unnecessary giggles don't stop. I don't know if it's just me, but we're closer now. Physically? Perhaps. Emotionally? I am.
There are two very basic issues I have with falling for this fellow.
1. He's never going to fall for me, which is kinda a non-issue, as I really don't expect anyone to. It's their life, what I feel for them is pretty much the last of their worries. Poeple don't have to like those who feel different for them. Moreover, I'm tending to ugly to look at, and there's hardly much beyond that guys consider. At least the kinda guy he shows up to be.
2. The last time hurt. It was 3 heartbreaks spaced out in a year, like, major ones, and now that I already know he likes someone else, it's only gonna hurt more if I put myself deeper into this. I didn't even consider looking at anyone else the last time. I suppose I must've changed over the years, but I really don't want to take chances. I'm not that consciously insane.
Oh and by the way, here's a link to a very relative poem (thanks there, you made feel a lot better).
Till tomorrow then. This is gonna be a long teenage.
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