Relatives, get out. I'm not in a good mood.
Ok so I'm pissed. So mad, and at nothing that I can publicly describe, that I feel like I don't have a face anymore.
I hate the way people take control of my life- and what hurts, is that I let them.
Just because I don't talk about it all the time, I slip further into that shell that was never there. Sorry to bring her back- but that 14 year old looks up to me and asks me- Where the fuck do I figure? When was hate all about you?When was love so conditional? WHEN DID YOU DEMAND YOUR KISS BACK?
I have to answer her. I have to sit down and cry- funny thing, is that tears don't come anymore. A face that no one found special but adored itself now contorts with a fury that twists all its features so much, it scares the heart inside.
I want to hurt. I want to hurt so badly that this love-foe falls to his knees and begs for mercy.
And I fall to mine and cry.
I want to cry. Please let me cry.
I can't wait till the day comes that I get myself out of this. Suddenly the person who would rather be heartbroken than not fall in love has given up- and the bleak expression of the day award is in store for the one person who she looks to to make her feel like a smile could break the chaos that she's asked for.
Just because a person falls for the 15th time, doesn't mean that you shouldn't still offer that him a parachute.
I was right- I am scared this time, and I have every reason to be scared- my moods, my feelings, my belief have been shaken by this time.
Imagine Pankti Gandhi asking me, someone who was the emotional twin of Radhika of 15 asking me- 'You're moody?'
And the world thinks I just am that way.
No, I am not, morons.
I'm unbelievably a happy person. I live for the rain. I smile at the sun. I stare into it. Now I can't raise my eyes anymore.
It would have been less painful if I'd changed- my soul has changed, and my conscience doesn't sleep anymore.
Friends, fiends, family- they bow down after the drama ends- but that's when the drama starts. That's when I need the hands, not just the audience.
Writers are unbelievably lonely people. I thought I could change that. I'm crippled. I am not lonely- I just can't tell people stuff.
And man do I have arrogance- to claim to want to tell people everything, yet not say a thing.
Where did the self-love go?
Where did you go?
In that room, the other day, someone asked me what goes on in my mind when I get all 'moody', a term I've come to accept as a pseudonymn for Radhika.
I had it figured then- I push away all the people that I want, just to hope that they come back. I test, and I don't believe.
I'm a cynic, and I will kill my heart. That one thing that stood strong.
My imagination has run out on me.
Take me, or kill me.

Updating for the heck of it.

I like what I'm upto these days. It's the entire, keep yourself occupied deal and man do I have a schedule. Though I'm doing this to keep my mind off its sickening, maddening 'phases', I can't deny that getting my head and life back on track is taking some real effort.
It's fun getting up at a fixed time, and doing things at the right time, etc. The work thingy rocks. Got a lotta you saying you wish you got jobs too, and thank you all for the congratulations you've given me for this one. Education Times is good. The editor is Nipa Vaidya- and if there's one word for her, it's 'cool'. I would usually refrain from using that word, but when you meet her, that's the only thing that comes to mind. The others in the dept. are Ruchi, Pooja and Shubha- who works on the portal. They're very patient with me. I need to pull up on the speed, because if I were them, I'd fire that retard Radhika.
I sit on a swivel chair with the right arm broken. I happened to get it on the first day because it was the closest to my desk (and I have my own computer here it's what I'm typing this from) and it stuck. I'm getting used to it. To my left, sits Faye. On the first two days she looked really upset about something, but on the third she smiled, and now we have a 'hi' routine. Faye by the way, sings brilliantly. Considering that this place has learnt to survive without music, and she's got a beautiful, beautiful voice, I look forward to her singing.
Behind me, there's Faye's friend Elton. I haven't been introduced to him, but you pick up names as they call each other. Faye and Elton are very, very quiet. This place is very quiet. Today I've risked in a 7up. I hope I laugh and add some noise here.
The telephone ringing problem still persists. But Nipa said that most of the calls they get are bogus, so it's best to not answer. However, these people answer their cellphones very soon. So that'd mean that the boring, ancient tring tring keeps ringing, while the good ringtones shut off.
Apart from that, there isn't much to describe. The canteen is quite something, though. I bought 10 coupons for a total of 5 bucks, and by the end of two whole meals consisting of rice, 2 chapaatis, dal, 2 bhaajis, egg curry, papad, banana, chhaas and a sweet dish, I still had one rupee worth of unused coupons on me. You do the math.
But this is a different summer, you see. I'm away from home most of the time, and I miss my lot. For a change, I also miss my college lot. A lot. In fact, I may guiltily add that I miss my college friends enough to make my stomach ache. I, for the first time, am wishing my vacations away (what is wrong with you, I hear 18 years of Radhika ask me). But I'll get over it soon.
I'm writing here after what seems an eternity, so pardon the sudden formal format.
I'd like to believe that I'll be back to who I was, or I'll become something better. But right now, I'm not so happy being me. Thankfully, Shriya, Trupti, Rishanka, Kapish and Sahil stick around. It feels great to have them. Manasi's been busy for the past few months, but once she's free I've got a lot of catching up to do.
My story's in print today, and I'm happy :)