Grant me nothing

Travelling in the blog makes me think a little more than should be permitted. I came across this post of mine, written some 4 years back. In a state of decisiveness and confidence, both of which seem to have sublimated from me. Now it's only a memory of the strength to walk up to the centre-stage and do my thing. I can't walk, and I no longer remember what my 'thing' is. Pity. It leads to over-thinking and madness like this. 

I wish I had-

• Stood up and sang when they asked me to
• Held his hand when he tried consoling me
• Hugged her when she left
• Started crying when he said it wasn’t me
• Asked for a little less
• Not bought it only because she asked me not to
• Stood my ground and spoken my mind
• Written those lyrics down
• Not saved a chair
• Slept a little earlier
• Been kinder to her
• Believed a little more in him
• Fought a little harder for it
• Chased her and stopped her
• Not banged the door
• Studied instead of texting
• Played it a little more
• Smiled back at him
• Asked him if it weren’t for her, would he have chosen me

Some things don’t happen again. For the rest, there’s always the will to follow your gut. Not to mention the failure repeatedly to do so. It’s us brave ones who boast of having worn our hearts on our sleeves that face the flak of actually not having done so. Hypocrites that we are, we’ll rationalise concepts like finding the ‘one’ while it’s actually just a case of natural selection. I’m just NOT meant to be a faithful person. I move on, from friends to fascinations to loves. Nothing sticks with me unless there’s nothing better coming my way. It’s like the onus of finding all signs of human evolution has been handed to me and I threw it away to find some new book to read.

I am a hypocrite and it is my inconsistency in that that makes making something like that public- brave.

Today will be special again. It always is. I will not get UPG back just the way I won’t get any of the 7000 odd days I’ve lived back. So what do I do? Cry about it? No I blog about it.

I’m living a life I’ve chosen, but honestly a few months back, had I know what life I’d be living now, all I’d get is stony silence. Of dreams I haven’t believed in as much as I claim I did. Of plans that came crashing because I changed them. Of the trouble I cause.

But it’s alright. It’s right now that matters. I’ll have forgotten about it by morning and yes, that right now will be all I care about.