20.

I owe him that.
I owe him years of silence.
Time passed and so did opportunities.
I got closure. Somewhere, he didn't.
I owe him that.


He isn't everything to me. No. That'll be someone else. But he's definitely some place where no one else will be.
He'll be in my life for every day of it. On a different day, for someone less etched into my system- I could have said it differently. With a different feeling. Probably that of excitement and uncertainty and a bit of a tingle.
But this is what happens when you're sure.
This is what happens when you know that one rain every monsoon, is with someone who laughs back and high-fives and most importantly, doesn't ask for an explanation.
Even if he deserves it.

I've managed to believe that somewhere, people we believe in break us. That poetry is in tragedy and joy and the words are just the madness of the mind escaping, finding a vent.

People WILL disappoint me. Even this one.


It's me who has to find a way to forgive them. To hold off for bigger joys than the disappointments they caused.
To compromise on this unnecessary ego I seem to have build up.

And even if this is a part of growing up.
Bring. It. On.

11 was yesterday.

Back from Aahan 2012, Day 1.

The madness has been handed down. And it has grown.

It's touched raw nerves and open wounds and made them want to grow.

And it has ascended beyond just a college.

It has ascended beyond education.

10.

Bring on the snow, bring in the fire
Let the water above my head get higher
Cut me open, rub salt in my wounds
I'll cry and shiver and fall right through
Touch a nerve and dig in deeper
Make me lonelier than a dying leper
In the chaos of your inflicted pain
I'll scratch my way out again
In the forced silence I'll find a tune
A minute later, but I'll hum it soon
My headless melody best known as
Hope and all that ridiculous jazz.

9 and 3/4

I'm a day late, and well-honesty, not too finicky about it.
I've had a long day, and honestly- it's too cramped to talk about it.
Good night :)

8.

When I was 6, Dad and I would sit on the low tank in the compound and we'd draw a rough plot of a house on a farm. It always had a pond, a bridge and a house.
It's been 15 years. We have a farm. Dad's put in a whole lot of his time and resources into this.
And I'm proud. It's good to see him so happy and so involved and so earnest in this.
My parents got married in the house where I stay. The guest list had some 20 people. Yes, only immediate family. No religion and all that jazz (We're Atheists).
And yes, like it runs in my blood, I'll be getting married there. If I do. But yes, it'll be here. Without the jazz. With more people. Everyone I love. And someone I love like it'd kill me not to.

7.

Something came back to me today. Not completely unpleasant, but a part of my head sighed.

Cross the room
Find the window
Open the shutters
Let the sunlight in
Along comes the dust
And a leaf or two
A summer's wind
On a winter's day
And eyes that looked beyond
Will now look away.
A wasp escapes
A fly is trapped
A heart beating in a mouse-trap
Why have windows when you can't dream?
All they want is words,
And all you can
Is scream.


Pity though- I'm having an otherwise decent weekend. Tomorrow will be a trip to the farm. If I get decent enough pics, (and I quote my Dad here-) "GOOD. For you."

6.

Between going crazy
And staying sane
It's not much of a choice
Either way you're done for.
Might as well enjoy
What the madness has to give
A redder face
An awkward moment
A private thought
A song together
A secret laugh
A silly war
An unasked question
A body-less hug
A shared love
A common fear
But nothing compares
To the warmth of you
The smile of you
The sound of you
But I might as well enjoy
What the madness has to give
A madder, breathless life to live.
And the two of us will feel
So much more than we can.
So reach out in the darkness
Hold my invisible hand.

5.

Bad days come and go. See the silver lining? It's in the head. Maybe one day we'll have you tell me that.
Highlight of today, post the work chaos? It was singing 'No man can ever love you like I do' itna zorr se between Chakala and Model Town that I felt a bit of me fly.
I was happy.
Really happy. What a song to sing aloud. To smile aloud.
You know what happened after Model Town? The wind.
Today's to a dog. It, under ideal circumstances, would have been her 11th birthday. Stupid dog, but beautiful.
Anyway. That's about it.

Just a thought though-
If there's something that's hurting you, & making you smile- which do you turn your back to?

4

It's something to do with stories.
Yesterday's 'Once' dose touched me somewhere. I'm not shaken beyond belief and floored forever. I'm just wildly ready to believe that every incident that happens in my life is a life-changing event again.
People fascinate me beyond reason. While somewhere it isn't encouraged to talk to a stranger- My parents will ask me to delete a LOT of people. From all my lists. True story.
But stories interest me. Just when you should have turned your back to someone and instead you looked them in the eye (instead, by the way, is the bitch that works both ways) and say hello. Or whatever. You could reply with a thank you, or reply with a thank you and a question and push the conversation ahead. Set the ball rolling, as the they say.
Also, I've repeatedly convinced myself that I'm the extreme people lover-hater. I could shut myself up for hours and then cry for not having someone to come and ask for me. I need all the attention I think I deserve. All the time. Which is why I'm very difficult to be with. Friend-wise.
The thing is, I really think we're a lot of people told time and again that we're just one person. That sucks. We're not. I am everyone around me. I can choose who I am today. What part of them I am today. That leads us to major identity ghotala, but haven't you ever felt that spark when someone drove himself or herself as crazy into conversation which in most circumstances you'd have never have been in the circumstances to have?
The past few months have changed a bit of me. I let go of some of the inhibitions I never knew I had. I made someone laugh.
I giggled.
I sang.
I know I'm coming across as a total schmucketty schmuck, but those things would never have happened had it not been for there being someone to share them with.
Today, is and will always be about people.

3.

Quite a day, today.

Saw 'Once'.
Fell in love. Twice.
And now, there's a face to the little joys, and the bigger ones.
Heard some more music, was made to hear some more.
Will anyone else ever understand the importance of 233, 40 and 6?
Will I express myself?
Did I?
Too many dreams in one little mind.

Of course.
There's the MusicDip element.
http://www.musicdip.in/2012/01/top-10-hindi-rock-songs-musicdip-exclusive/
That's another long, funny story.
Then, there's Tanya's blog.
http://theovertickingbrain.wordpress.com/2012/01/03/dost/
She'll have one too. When it is time.
When the words deserve her.

Quite a day, today.
Of resolutions. Determination. Expectations.
And the element of surprise.

"Ah, but Harry..."

Could anyone have been happier?

Could things have been better?

Am I to expect the worst tomorrow?

Will Murphy prevail?

Maybe.

Then again- maybe not.

2.

I dared to dream again today.
I spread my broken wings
I step across my little threshold
On ends and new beginnings

I think I heard my heart beat again
I fluttered at the very thought
The rush of blood to my face
Has set in earlier than it ought.

I'll ignore but I know inside me
There's a light in the far corners
I see a spark ignite my eyes-

No wonder lightning strikes
Before it warns us.

1

Waqt does a lot of shit and suddenly, even if we aren't okay, we've forgotten why we weren't.

Trust. Love. Words. 
Blood. Mind.
I haven't tasted any of these in a bit. 
Today was just another day, but somewhere I have this feeling of impending joy that's waiting to come out. 
Happy New Year- I hope every joy is bigger than the one you've just had.